Wednesday 24 April 2013

End of Term

It's over. Another term done and gone. All my exams were pretty much meh. I feel indifferent to all of them. Not to say that I think I did poorly, I thought they were alright. But considering how much effort I put into studying these last few days was abysmal. Either I'm getting more efficient at studying or these courses were abnormal easy.

Or I'm just being really, really cocky right now.

But I don't care because I'm done.

So now that my summer has begun, what does this mean I'll be doing? Usually I'd be spending the first few days goofing off, relaxing and taking it easy. Video games, sleeping in, lazing about on the internet until my brain has gone numb.

Not anymore. I just can't do it anymore, at least, not for the same extended periods of time that I used to.

I want to blame it on feeling guilty on not finding a job, or school options not looking so great and thus I'm demoralized. But I have a fairly good idea of why. But before I begin, I want to say that I am in no way blaming or using this to demonize her. See, one of the last few conversations that I had with my ex before we broke up 4 months ago resulted in her saying the following line:

"Oh Damian, you're not stupid, you're just unambitious,".

Unambitious.

Un.

Am.

Bitious.

I don't think I've ever been so insulted in my life. I don't even remember the context of that conversation, but that line has stuck with me.


When someone in your life leaves you, you tend to feel hollow. Like a part of you is missing. Some people fill that hole with other people, alcohol, or even just leave the hole there and stay miserable. But I did something different. At first I left mine empty, wallowed in my misery. But in the process of moving on, I began to fill that emptiness with something else.

That something else turn out to be anger and bitterness.

In the last few months I have become noticeably more abrasive and cold. My temper has shortened and strangely I've become more eloquent in my speech. An odd but possibly the only positive side effect. I don't understand it myself. But in the process I also became more self-motivated, a metaphorical fire has been sparked inside me, and all I have to do is remember one word.

Unambitious.

And now the urge to goof off is gone.

Do I hate my ex for saying that to me? No! Do I resent her for it? Not at all! In fact, I should be thanking her, because with this my productivity has increased, and will continue to increase until something fruitful has surfaced.

And by fruitful I'm referring to my various projects. I now have time to work on everything. Some projects actually managed to advance themselves without my work during finals month which was a welcome surprise. In fact, thanks to the hardware upgrade that CABAL (my computer formerly named EVA) received AND all the free time I'm about to get, I am now able to revive Project Pandering.

Wish me luck on this one. I'll give further details in a future post. But it's going to rely on me digging up old skills that I haven't used in years. Luckily, there are tutorials to help speed up the process.


In non-project related news. I still need to go for the various medical tests to figure out what's wrong with me. I have a ton of friends I need to meet up with (preferably with alcohol) and I need to keep hunting for jobs. I have a few leads and I need to type up a few things.

I do not intend to let these next 4 months go to waste. I'm far too disgruntled to let that happen. Am I holding a grudge? Am I being petty? Am I being motivated for the wrong reasons? Maybe. Do I care? Not particularly.

Let's do this.

29 comments:

  1. Sounds like you are out to prove her wrong. Pretty normal response to a break up. So one day in the future, should you see her, you can point out just how much you are able to achieve.
    (Bit like a girl wanting to look fabulous when she next sees her ex)

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  2. It doesn't matter what motivates you as long as you're motivated. I've had people tell me outright that I'm just lazy, and that does light a fire under me. I think, whether it's a recent phenomena or not, you are anything but unambitious. You're currently undertaking a lot of work. Don't feel bad about taking a rest day or anything though, especially if some of these projects are pretty much running themselves now.

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  3. Gah! I'm glad you've looked at the positives coming out of that conversation...

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  4. haha that's the way to be, such a grudge is good to hold as it gets you motivated and rids you of the unambitous slogan

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  5. yep, sometimes when people offend you like that they actually help you to change things and prove them wrong.
    I think I did that to you a couple of times before :) telling you that you need more discipline and better organization :)

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  6. Go out there and grab the world by the balls!

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  7. Well, I'm glad you turned that around into a positive, but I'll admit that if someone called me unambitious, especially someone close to me, I'd be mad as well. You think it's the things like "you're an idiot" or "you're a bad person" that'll sting the most, but if someone accused me of not having the drive to succeed, I'd probably flip my lid.

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  8. Happy end of term and work hard on your projects!

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  9. I got called the same thing recently. I think it's the downfall to seeming so chill all the time. Definitely sparked some rage that's still shining pretty brightly.

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  10. I am so damn proud of you to see that those words made you spur yourself on to be the more driven and ambitious guy you are now. People don't realise but the words they say can sometimes have a massively positive aspect in our lives like what's happened here, time for you to prove her wrong Damien, like you say it's time to do this.

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  11. Wonderful to hear a possibly negative into a positive...I'm always rootin' for ya, ya know!

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  12. That would piss me off, too. It doesn't help that it sounds like she said it so flippantly... like it was a known fact.

    Good for you for taking that negative energy and putting it to work! It's normal to be angry, but try not to "feed" it too much. Use it (like you're doing!).

    I'm curious about this Project Pandering business...

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  13. The best way to come out of a relationship. I'm glad you're feeling motivated - best of luck!

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  14. Good luck with your summer. Meet friends and drink alcohol first :)

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  15. Hey, enjoy summer nonetheless. You've done a lot of work at school.
    How unambitious is that?

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  16. I do wish you luck, but I also think your ex was way off the mark. You're plenty ambitious, and I think you're being too hard on yourself. I think she gave you all kinds of excuses for breaking up because she didn't know the real reason herself.

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  17. Wishing you luck, and may your motivation continue with strength!

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  18. You have a lots of things to do in here. Good luck on your project. And enjoy with your friends to meet up.

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  19. Sometimes it takes just one little thing to motivate us into productivity. Just be sure to enjoy your productivity.

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  20. Happy summer.
    I am sure that what you call "meh" were good papers.
    It is no body's business to call any one unambitious. Further more what do ambitious people know anyway? Trends are changing so fast when it comes to demands of jobs that no matter how ambitious a person is, they barely make it. They get ulcers and headaches any way. If you ask me I rather be carefree.

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  21. Congrats on making it though another semester young one; and do not fret about being called unambitious. You are still waaay young. Besides, look st the source of the remark--someone in med. school. Everyone else will look like as slacker by compare.

    Take care of your health and have some fun now.

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  22. enjoy and relax for few days
    good luck for your summer job search

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  23. Good to hear you're being motivated - doesn't matter by what. Good luck with your efforts

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  24. Looks like you're getting motivated! Perhaps you will even be a worthy opponent... But let's put aside the Devil May Cry references for now. Good luck with your projects!

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  25. You've always sounded very ambitious to me! You know people do say stuff they don't really mean or believe especially in the heat of the moment. Maybe your ex said it because it would be the right button to push to make you angry. ;)

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  26. i love reading ur posts. i wish i was more eloquent. i would take tht as an insult too but its great uve used it to motovate irself. wow u finish early i dont finish uni til june 3 officially. i need to meet up with friends since i go to taiwan to study for theyear but everything os happening at once its hard too. i hope the motovation stays with you and you have aproductive summrr. i hope u fill the hole woth something that makes i happier. also abt ir comment along.time ago thr inevitable is tht i wont have a steady or stable relatioship because my course requires me to study in 2 countries. and i want to travel after uni. so it was just a depressing comment tht the next 3-4 years will be kinda lonely since ill be moving around. sorry for the really long.comment. hope ire ok and i wish u luck for ur results

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